When I sat down to write this morning, my mind went back to my walk yesterday.
I was watching the leaves fall.They let go, floated, spun, landed.Not one of them knew exactly where it would end up.Not one of them argued with gravity.They were just doing what leaves do.Part of something bigger.No label.No debate.No “right way” to fall.
That is the strange paradox of being human.We are part of the same bigger thing, but we work so hard to name it, control it, and get it “right” that we forget how to simply be in it.
My awakening today was this.The real blessing in my diagnosis was not clarity.It was the overwhelm inside the setback.
The flood of moments where people felt called to tell me I needed God.To pray over me.To lay hands on me like they had a special access badge to something I was missing.
Most of them were acting out of love.Out of their own way of making sense of the chaos.But inside my body, it often felt like pressure.Like there was a “right” way to suffer.A “right” way to hope.A “right” way to fall.
Underneath all of that, something quieter was happening.
I started to notice what I actually longed for.Not the perfect belief system.Not the right language. Not a guarantee.
I wanted to feel connected.To something beyond the noise.Beyond the fear.Beyond the isolation that comes when your whole life is suddenly divided into “before” and “after.”
And here is what I learned.
I did not need to find a church.I did not need to agree on names.I did not need to match anyone else’s version of faith.
What I needed was to feel the thread that was already there.The resonance.That quiet hum that says, “You are part of this.”Not something I could prove.But something I could trust.
Just like the leaves, I was already in it.Already held by something larger than my plans, my fear, or my need to understand.
That is the hope I carry now.Not a story I borrowed.Not a belief I forced to fit.Just a deep alignment with what has always been here.Steady.Patient.Within.
So if you are in your own setback.If people are telling you to believe harder.To find faith faster.To do it their way.
Pause.
You do not need to be fixed.You do not need to be rescued.You do not need to go anywhere.
Start with what is already inside you.The part of you that notices.The part of you that is still here.Still choosing one more moment. One more breath. One more try.
Your setback does not separate you from life.It invites you deeper into it.
You were never separate.And that, on its own, is enough to begin.
